Discipline changes lives

Posted on December 11, 2012

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I promote a healthy life because being healthy changed me completely.
As I am a journalist, my first and maybe only one instrument is the truth and my aim is to defend it, no matters what.  So let’s drop the mask:  one year ago I was a wreck, someone who just wandered around a big city, suddenly too big and scary for me. I had lost all my motivation in life, nothing was interesting enough to catch my attention and, soulless, I related to people without caring about their feelings. The smiley, happy, positive, cheerful and sensitive girl had suddenly become a monster, a bitch. It is not always easy to prevent the events in your life from changing who you are and in 24 years I had never been that hurt and humiliated and pain overwhelmed me, suffocated me. Something deeply inside my soul  kept screaming and begging for me to wake up, to go back to what I was  but I was not able to do so, I knew I needed help but, previously betrayed, I chose not to ask. I was trapped by  myself and by the experiences that led me to hate people around me. Delusion, frustration, mistrust and hate were my new best friends. Together with apathy and food. Food was my only consolation, together with alcohol. I used to spend my days eating and drinking till that scream within me suddenly stopped and gave me relief. I was slowly killing myself and it was totally fine by me.
One day things changed. I guess thanks to a list of factors: the rage that had finally waned, the tiredness of an empty life: a life led with no purposes, no incitements, no dreams, no achievements, no paths to follow, no humanity. Only indifference. Then the casual meeting of a new person who silently had arrived at the doors of my souls: the more I pushed this person away the more he looked for alternative ways to reach the box containing my emotions, and when he opened it, life exploded into my chest again and it glowed my days.
I slowly rebuilt my life. I started with my body as it was the easiest thing to fix up. As for feelings, that’s a different question. Sometimes they are so damaged you have no chance to go back to smile again. I was lucky.
At the beginning everything seemed not achievable, I was too skeptical and demoralized, especially because food was my best friend and I was not able to understand when I was hungry or just melancholic. I don’t know what really helped, if the results I started seeing in the mirror or the fact that I knew my life needed to change drastically as they way I was living could not lead me to anything good.  Alcohol was very difficult to abandon as well. The idea of not having it left me terrified. I was not and I am not an alcoholic, I have never had neither a physical nor a mental addiction and I was definitely not the person who used alcohol to fix my problem. Alcohol came to me and I embraced it. I over-embraced it. Being drunk on a Sunday morning after a party or a Tuesday morning in work did not make any difference to me.
But when I decided to change, as the time went by, my body reached an acceptable shape; my skin, naturally shiny and soft (precious heritage from my mum) started glowing again. The morning sun-rays did not welcome me with nausea, puffiness, heaviness and depression. I felt suddenly confident and attractive. Did I do that? Yes. To achieve it -besides a strong motivation- a clean diet and also the pilates and fitness instructor Cassey Ho helped me a lot.  I slowly felt stronger and more motivated to cleanse myself inside out and my day was marked by a routine. Finally order had come to my life. For the first time I had a scheme to follow which consisted in training, cooking and getting ready for work. Slowly, sometimes crying and cursing myself, I built up the strength, both physical and emotional, necessary to achieve results. After few months I rediscovered the will to write. How stupid I was to ignore that impulse, to disbelieve my talent!
The discipline I self-taught myself never abandoned me since then and I applied this new way of seeing things to anything else. It works.

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